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| "Today and always, beyond tomorrow, I need you beside me, always as my best friend,lover and forever soul mate." -By unknown |
It's Friday night! Let's wind down a bit, let's talk about love.
Isn't love the most wonderful thing? Having that spark electrifying you every time you look at that special someone. How drama or movie portray how wonderful love is and how you literally feel that, he/she is the right one.
Well, I have to break the news to you guys (or ladies), for most relationship, that "spark" normally last for quite a short period or only from time to time. It varies. So how do you manage your relationship after that spark?
Before I start, I have to say...
I'm not a love expert or anything near one, but I learned a lot from my previous relationships and also the current one I'm having. There are moments when it's lovely, comfortable and all good. However, there are moments when it's just bland, disastrous and bad. All these moments, made me learn how to be a better lover and prepare myself for the right one at the right time.Here, I'm stripping everything down to just the two of you in the relationship. No status, money, materialistic items but just based on the character and us as human. There won't be a top 10 cafe list that you should bring your girl to, to hoax her or whatever. It will be more of a guide, rules that I have heard of/learned/read and came up with in order to further improve the relationship, or make you think twice before anything.
So, shall we start? It's gonna be a really long article though.
We are all human. We fall, stumble and are weak at times. When we are weak in a relationship we find our partner, for moral and spiritual support. I mean, what beats consoles or a hug from that special someone when you need it the most right?
Personally, I am a mentally weaker person in this relationship I am currently in (I'm being really truthful and "naked" here). My girlfriend is the stronger one. Therefore, most of the time, I will be the one ranting, complaining or seeking comfort from her. However, there are times when she too, needs support and consoles that she needs. Sadly, I failed to see it at that point of time because I was too busy demanding for support. When I found something was amiss, we sat down and talked about, and that was when I learned something:
1. It's a 49%, 51% relationship.
It's never a 50-50 relationship if you realize (good job if you realized earlier). Be it support, love, feelings, affection. There's always one partner that is giving more. Thankfully, in a relationship, the role of the one giving in switches.
Aha! It's such a simple thing but some of us don't really practice or don't even know that, this is allowed (at least I didn't until recent months).
Like I said earlier, we are merely human and we are weak, tired at times. How do you continue to give in if you are, weak and tired at that moment? That's when friction starts.
Instead of asking, try giving this time. Things might be really different. Instead of focusing on yourself and your struggles (like I did), open up your ears and give the other party a chance to share, to seek comfort. You might realize how stupid you were to demand so much, when he/she needs that comfort more than you.
This way, I promise you, the relationship will only get stronger.
'love is like tango, one side advances, the other retreats' - Elliot on Just Shoot Me
2. Sometimes the most boring relationship are the most blissful ones.
I'm sure at the start of the relationship, to go on a date, where and what do we do the most?
Here, let me tell you:
- Town/Orchard
- Movie
- shopping
- dinner.
- repeat
Of course we can go cafe hopping every weekend. Exploring fun, new places every now and then. But have you ever thought, how long can we keep that kind of lifestyle up?
In the past, I always thought that I MUST bring my girl to expensive places. Fresh new idea or places every weekend! It would be so fun!
Third month into the relationship and I realized how stupid (and tired) that idea was.
I learned this guide from my parents and this current relationship I have. I watched how my parents do the same thing everyday:
My dad will come home from work, my mum will open the door for him and grab his bag. Then my dad will settle down at the dining table to count his earning for the day while my mum will be sitting down beside him, quietly, waiting for him to share his day. That's it.
It may sound boring to you, or even myself. But what I witness everyday is something I or we all should really learn. We don't need extravagant lifestyle everyday. We get tired of it really easy to be honest. When a relationship is able to be so peaceful, yet blissful, you know you are with the right one.
Another example that I can share:
There was once when I was using my girlfriend's mac at her place to try out imovie for a project while she is doing her work right beside me. We were just quietly doing our things while glancing each other from time to time. When the day ended, she sent me a text saying it was a really blissful moment for her when we were just quietly doing our own things right beside each other. I didn't know what she meant at the moment (I don't think she even know what she's saying). After some thoughts, I realized what she meant was, we are mature enough to appreciate this form of quietness, "boring" dates. We are not doing anything particular special, yet we felt blissful enough to be right beside each other.
How often can we sit down quietly beside each other, doing our own things. Yet when we look to our side, our partner is already looking at us?
3. Space is really important.
I'm sure you have heard a lot about this space we are suppose to respect and give each other a lot. Even myself. But have you really gave a thought about what do they mean by space? Here's my take on space:
Love is when two people fell for each other, having that feeling for each other. But a relationship is when the reality sink in. It's a magical moment when two people, decided to merge their lifestyle together and hope for the best.
We are talking about two completely different lifestyle. Different habits, doings, values and perception and other issues. There are bound to be frictions, arguments and unhappy moments. Well, it's not totally that sucky, it could be great too. Learning and knowing your significant half all over again. But unfortunately, it's when friction happens the most.
One fatal mistake that we all are bound to commit before, is using our viewpoint, perception and values to judge the other's doings and actions.
Now, name one thing you dislike about your partner. Be it their habit, certain doings, aims or actions. Done? Great, now there might be a list of it floating in your mind already (if no, you might already be practicing this in your relationship unknowingly but please do read on).
Why? You asked. Without a doubt, you love and value him/her. The main reason for this, is that we often judge other's right and wrong based on our own values and benchmark. It can't be avoided, while on the other hand, when we are told to judge ourselves or describe ourselves... It's often on a positive note since we really see highly of ourselves.
Everyone have different viewpoints, values they hold dearly and different principles to different matters. For example, if you don't like squid yet your partner loves it, do you judge her based on this? Of course not, you will think it's dumb to be hating her because she like something you don't.
See my point now?
Now back to this space thing, what people or book or articles mentioned all the time. To me, it's about this space to let them be themselves, let them have the right to have different views and opinion from you. Respect that we are all individual human, having the mind to think for the best for ourselves based on our own values of life and principles, instead of insisting and stuffing your thinking into the other person's face. If you think they are obviously wrong... Guide, advice instead of forcing them to see it from your viewpoint (you know, the for their own good kind of thing). People will certainly be more receptive to this kind of approach.
Only when you got the basics, foundation of "different people have different mindset", that's when the individual lifestyle comes in, respecting each other's time and realizing his/her world doesn't revolve around you (which most articles skip this point right away).
So this space thing, holds a really different meaning to me.
4. Stop doing things on impulse.
This, is another advice that you see it almost everywhere or hear it from everyone. Here's my take on this point:
One thing a person shouldn't be doing in a relationship is deciding or promising to perform certain task that are bound to bring regrets in the time to come when you having either positive or negative emotion.
For example, you are mad at him/her and you decided to lash out all your pent up unhappiness at that moment. A classic adding fuel to the fire. What happens? The situation became even more sticky and messy to clean up and when you think of it in the future, you might not even remember how did you guys started the fight.
That's what happen most of the time. A couple quarreled, insults and hurtful words were hurled at each other like nothing and the damage was done. But when you think it back, the issue that causes the quarrel might be so insignificant that you might not even remember, yet because of that split second, when emotion takes over, the result became pretty messed up.
This is really important! Whatever we do, always remember there are consequences. Therefore, it's really important to take control of ourselves in that split second and act based on your attitude, character instead of emotion.
How do we do that? I read a book, The Rules of Life by Richard templar (it's a really good book, it revalues your views and perception on different matter, do check it out) which says:
Count to ten- or recite 'Baa baa black sheep'
I'm not kidding! It's under rule number 16, you can check it out.
Anyway, yes, it's that simple. Well, it may seem simple here, but when you are actually doing it, it's pretty tough, especially if you are fighting against your emotion.
But see it this way, that precious 10 seconds, or nursery rhyme (any of your choice, you can even recite mary had a little lamb if you like, but of course, quietly) in your head. You might be saving months and years of effort, love, time with that mere 10 seconds or so. Isn't that worth it?
5. Never never ever compare.
I believe you have read my post about The art of comparison (please do if you haven't). It applies in relationship too. Comparing, often leads to negative outcome. For example, you realized that you actually deserve better, why is he/she not rich or good looking enough or why does my relationship is not anything like this perfect cute couple you saw on the social media. How would you like if whenever there's a quarrel, the other party brings out how wonderful the other relationship their friends are having while they are stuck in this?
Mind you, social media is like a job resume. Now, who puts up negative stuff on their resume? (i will be writing a post about this very soon)
Every relationship have their fair share of problems. It just whether they share it, solved it or leave it aside. Some of my friends were saying how perfect my relationship seems to be and how they will lose faith in love if they ever see us break up. Mind you, we have our own quarrels, struggles and unhappiness too. But instead of throwing it away when it's broken or wasting time comparing and hurting each other more, we choose to sit down together and fix it.
Relationship is not only about the lovey dovey moments, it's when things get tough, that beautiful moment when two individuals with different mindset work together to fix that one thing they love and cherish. Only through the bad, it makes you cherish and appreciate the good.
That's when you know you got the right one.
Instead of comparing, learn the good things from other relationship, talk to them and apply it. Learn their problems too. How do they solve it, can it be avoided? Does it even worth the effort to quarrel about it? Mind you, you might be jealous of other relationship, while they might be doing the same to yours. You never know.
Of course, a relationship is not only about the 5 points I have shared above. There are so much more. But these are some the rules, guides I have learned through observing or experiencing, the good and the bad. If you do have any interesting viewpoints or guides that you would like to share, please feel free to leave a comment or even hit me up on Facebook. Let me learn a few things from you too!
Have a good weekend ahead lovely people!
In the past, I always thought that I MUST bring my girl to expensive places. Fresh new idea or places every weekend! It would be so fun!
Third month into the relationship and I realized how stupid (and tired) that idea was.
I learned this guide from my parents and this current relationship I have. I watched how my parents do the same thing everyday:
My dad will come home from work, my mum will open the door for him and grab his bag. Then my dad will settle down at the dining table to count his earning for the day while my mum will be sitting down beside him, quietly, waiting for him to share his day. That's it.
It may sound boring to you, or even myself. But what I witness everyday is something I or we all should really learn. We don't need extravagant lifestyle everyday. We get tired of it really easy to be honest. When a relationship is able to be so peaceful, yet blissful, you know you are with the right one.
Another example that I can share:
There was once when I was using my girlfriend's mac at her place to try out imovie for a project while she is doing her work right beside me. We were just quietly doing our things while glancing each other from time to time. When the day ended, she sent me a text saying it was a really blissful moment for her when we were just quietly doing our own things right beside each other. I didn't know what she meant at the moment (I don't think she even know what she's saying). After some thoughts, I realized what she meant was, we are mature enough to appreciate this form of quietness, "boring" dates. We are not doing anything particular special, yet we felt blissful enough to be right beside each other.
How often can we sit down quietly beside each other, doing our own things. Yet when we look to our side, our partner is already looking at us?
3. Space is really important.
I'm sure you have heard a lot about this space we are suppose to respect and give each other a lot. Even myself. But have you really gave a thought about what do they mean by space? Here's my take on space:
Love is when two people fell for each other, having that feeling for each other. But a relationship is when the reality sink in. It's a magical moment when two people, decided to merge their lifestyle together and hope for the best.
We are talking about two completely different lifestyle. Different habits, doings, values and perception and other issues. There are bound to be frictions, arguments and unhappy moments. Well, it's not totally that sucky, it could be great too. Learning and knowing your significant half all over again. But unfortunately, it's when friction happens the most.
Love is when people fell for each other, while a relationship is when two people totally devote themselves in to manage this merged kind of lifestyle together.
One fatal mistake that we all are bound to commit before, is using our viewpoint, perception and values to judge the other's doings and actions.
Now, name one thing you dislike about your partner. Be it their habit, certain doings, aims or actions. Done? Great, now there might be a list of it floating in your mind already (if no, you might already be practicing this in your relationship unknowingly but please do read on).
Why? You asked. Without a doubt, you love and value him/her. The main reason for this, is that we often judge other's right and wrong based on our own values and benchmark. It can't be avoided, while on the other hand, when we are told to judge ourselves or describe ourselves... It's often on a positive note since we really see highly of ourselves.
Everyone have different viewpoints, values they hold dearly and different principles to different matters. For example, if you don't like squid yet your partner loves it, do you judge her based on this? Of course not, you will think it's dumb to be hating her because she like something you don't.
See my point now?
Now back to this space thing, what people or book or articles mentioned all the time. To me, it's about this space to let them be themselves, let them have the right to have different views and opinion from you. Respect that we are all individual human, having the mind to think for the best for ourselves based on our own values of life and principles, instead of insisting and stuffing your thinking into the other person's face. If you think they are obviously wrong... Guide, advice instead of forcing them to see it from your viewpoint (you know, the for their own good kind of thing). People will certainly be more receptive to this kind of approach.
Only when you got the basics, foundation of "different people have different mindset", that's when the individual lifestyle comes in, respecting each other's time and realizing his/her world doesn't revolve around you (which most articles skip this point right away).
So this space thing, holds a really different meaning to me.
4. Stop doing things on impulse.
This, is another advice that you see it almost everywhere or hear it from everyone. Here's my take on this point:
One thing a person shouldn't be doing in a relationship is deciding or promising to perform certain task that are bound to bring regrets in the time to come when you having either positive or negative emotion.
For example, you are mad at him/her and you decided to lash out all your pent up unhappiness at that moment. A classic adding fuel to the fire. What happens? The situation became even more sticky and messy to clean up and when you think of it in the future, you might not even remember how did you guys started the fight.
That's what happen most of the time. A couple quarreled, insults and hurtful words were hurled at each other like nothing and the damage was done. But when you think it back, the issue that causes the quarrel might be so insignificant that you might not even remember, yet because of that split second, when emotion takes over, the result became pretty messed up.
This is really important! Whatever we do, always remember there are consequences. Therefore, it's really important to take control of ourselves in that split second and act based on your attitude, character instead of emotion.
How do we do that? I read a book, The Rules of Life by Richard templar (it's a really good book, it revalues your views and perception on different matter, do check it out) which says:
Count to ten- or recite 'Baa baa black sheep'
I'm not kidding! It's under rule number 16, you can check it out.
Anyway, yes, it's that simple. Well, it may seem simple here, but when you are actually doing it, it's pretty tough, especially if you are fighting against your emotion.
But see it this way, that precious 10 seconds, or nursery rhyme (any of your choice, you can even recite mary had a little lamb if you like, but of course, quietly) in your head. You might be saving months and years of effort, love, time with that mere 10 seconds or so. Isn't that worth it?
5. Never never ever compare.
I believe you have read my post about The art of comparison (please do if you haven't). It applies in relationship too. Comparing, often leads to negative outcome. For example, you realized that you actually deserve better, why is he/she not rich or good looking enough or why does my relationship is not anything like this perfect cute couple you saw on the social media. How would you like if whenever there's a quarrel, the other party brings out how wonderful the other relationship their friends are having while they are stuck in this?
Mind you, social media is like a job resume. Now, who puts up negative stuff on their resume? (i will be writing a post about this very soon)
Every relationship have their fair share of problems. It just whether they share it, solved it or leave it aside. Some of my friends were saying how perfect my relationship seems to be and how they will lose faith in love if they ever see us break up. Mind you, we have our own quarrels, struggles and unhappiness too. But instead of throwing it away when it's broken or wasting time comparing and hurting each other more, we choose to sit down together and fix it.
Relationship is not only about the lovey dovey moments, it's when things get tough, that beautiful moment when two individuals with different mindset work together to fix that one thing they love and cherish. Only through the bad, it makes you cherish and appreciate the good.
That's when you know you got the right one.
Instead of comparing, learn the good things from other relationship, talk to them and apply it. Learn their problems too. How do they solve it, can it be avoided? Does it even worth the effort to quarrel about it? Mind you, you might be jealous of other relationship, while they might be doing the same to yours. You never know.
Of course, a relationship is not only about the 5 points I have shared above. There are so much more. But these are some the rules, guides I have learned through observing or experiencing, the good and the bad. If you do have any interesting viewpoints or guides that you would like to share, please feel free to leave a comment or even hit me up on Facebook. Let me learn a few things from you too!
Have a good weekend ahead lovely people!
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